Vatican to try its hand at sports

I read the other day that Pope John Paul II has set up a sports department in the Vatican. I think that's great because I, like John Paul, remember when sports was a good thing.

The pope is 84 years old now so I doubt if he'll be playing on the Vatican softball team. They say the legs are the first to go.

Nevertheless, before he became the Holy Father he was a soccer goalkeeper, skied and kayaked. After getting the Catholic church's top job, he still liked to go swimming in the papal pool. As a side benefit, he was able to mass-produce holy water. (That's a joke. Don't get excited.)

In announcing the new sports department, the Vatican spokespeople talked about the lure of the Olympics, which used to be the pinnacle of amateur sports before they decided to go ahead and pay people above the table, and of the many positive role models around the world in sports.

That's all true. And I hope they keep moving in the right direction. Maybe Pope John Paul II can be a positive influence in the sports world. Lord knows they need it.

But there are pitfalls everywhere.

For one thing, there are a lot more sports nowadays than when John Paul was a youngster.

Poker, for example.

I never thought of seven guys sitting around a table playing cards for money as a sport, but the World Series of Poker is televised on ESPN now, so it must be.

The Vatican probably will want to steer clear of this event. I just can't see John Paul leaning over the green felt in Las Vegas in a pair of wraparound shades as he tries to bluff Sam Farha in a hand of no-limit Texas Hold 'em.

I have to ask: Is the pope even allowed to bluff? The metaphysical consequences are too much for me to calculate.

Then there's NASCAR.

With some alterations to the Popemobile - notably improved aerodynamics, a bunch of sponsor stickers and, maybe, "Home Depot" painted in orange across the hood - there is some potential for a Catholic entry in the racing circuit.

I must say, though, I don't think John Paul should be the choice as driver. If he's anything like the 84-year-old drivers around Carson City, he's just as likely to put it in reverse at the starting line. And he would circle the track with his left-turn signal on.

I wonder too about the whole issue of sports agents and sponsorships if they get their hooks into the new Vatican Sports Department.

If the pope should turn pro, will he start negotiating for a new contract?

"You know, he's got 3,278 blessings this year and 427 baptisms," says his agent. "He's having a good year all around, and I think you want to sign him to a long-term deal."

"I don't know. There's the pestilence and famine in Africa, as well as that disease in China. His defense seems to be off a little bit."

"OK, you can bring that stuff up if you want to. But I have to tell you, we've got a pretty good offer on the table from the Methodists ..."

Will they give in to the temptations of other sports franchises - renaming it the Verizon Vatican Dome? I tell you what I don't want to see: the pope coming out on the balcony to bless the masses with a bottle of Sprite in his hand.

In trying to appeal to youth, the Vatican may want to get involved in the "extreme" sports like skateboarding, in-line skating, BMX bicycles and surfing.

However, I would recommend staying away from that newest television hit, "Extreme Dodgeball," which you'll remember by the welt you still have on your left thigh from fifth grade. I haven't been to a gym class since, oh, Paul VI was pope, but I suspect dodgeball was outlawed under the Patriot Act as a form of organized terrorism.

Much more in keeping with sports the pope himself might enjoy would be bridge, which you'll remember got permission from the International Olympic Committee to be a demonstration sport at the Salt Lake City Winter Games.

Bridge proponents describe it as a "sport of the mind." That would make it the equal of mental gymnastics. If bridge is a sport, then so is Scrabble. And definitely Twister.

Interestingly, as far as the Olympics go, bridge holds the same status as golf. In other words, the IOC says it's very nice that you people really enjoy your pastimes, but don't call us, we'll call you.

One might be tempted to think that golf would be an excellent diversion for the 84-year-old pope, with the walking and the fresh air and only a minimum of athletic exertion. He could find lots of company of his generation at Eagle Valley East most any day of the week (and qualify for the discount rate).

I just worry he might learn a few new words out on the golf course.

Barry Smith is editor of the Nevada Appeal. Contact him at 881-1221 or editor@nevadaappeal.com.