Merry Christmas, and goodwill toward fellow shoppers

Since I've long-forgotten long-hand, I thought it best for all concerned that I send along holiday greetings from a keyboard.

Before I get to the Ackerman Family doings, I hope you and yours are safe, warm, employed, protected, armed, fed and otherwise insulated from the craziness we have seen of late.

As you can see, I still have a job, which means I've been able to keep the Ackerman Family fed, warm and somewhat protected. I say, "somewhat" because I have yet to purchase a real weapon. I haven't proven very good with guns and my right arm isn't developed enough to pull back a bow powerful enough to drop a terrorist.

I do, however, keep a 9-iron nearby in the event I need to club an intruder looking perhaps to steal my remote control. When I was younger I kept a machine gun in my desk, but it was illegal and I was afraid the janitor would eventually discover it. I sold it to a disgruntled subscriber who promised not to shoot me with it. So far he has kept his word.

As far as 2001 local news was concerned, it really didn't change much from the local news in 2000. Carson City is still the capital of Nevada, in spite of continued efforts to have the Legislature convene in the showroom of the Treasure Island Hotel in Las Vegas. Southern Nevada's lawmakers get uneasy when they stray too far from Wayne Newton.

The federal government, meanwhile, still views Nevada much the same as it views Afghanistan; as an ideal place to test the latest explosives. The feds were nuking Nevada when bin Laden was still an apple in his mother's eye. A rotten apple at that.

Yucca Mountain is still not the "official" sponsor of nuclear waste, but oddsmakers predict it will be by the time we can sing, "You Light Up My Life."

And Carson City finally has a bypass ...oops ... sorry... that was the eggnog talking. Never mind.

Closer to home ... the kids are great. They're not generating income yet, but we're hoping they'll eventually be able to make up for the pounding my 401(k) plan took this year. Otherwise I'll be eating prunes from a straw by the time I'm able to retire.

Zack the dog is fine, although age is starting to creep up on him. He doesn't even stand up to bark anymore. Just lifts his head off the floor and makes a grunting sound.

I put the holiday house lights up again. In fact, I put them up last July while it was still warm. It doesn't hurt as much when you slam your fingers with the hammer. The bulbs, however, only last an hour and I've had to purchase $97,000 worth of replacement bulbs in the last week.

I don't know why I bother. My kids don't even look up when they walk into the house. The only real benefit is that it forces my neighbors to put up or shut up.

We also made our annual pilgrimage to the woods to chop down a real tree. It feels good to get out in the mountains with the snow and the fresh air. It takes a certain amount of skill to hunt down the perfect tree. Bravery, too. If you're not careful you could lock your keys in the truck, or get sap on your pants.

In the end, it's just you against the tree. And only one of you is coming out of the woods alive.

We worked up a pretty good appetite in the woods, so we stopped on the way home to eat 600 pounds of chips and salsa. Nobody can eat just one.

My Christmas shopping is done, although I may still revisit the mall once more just to watch happy shoppers cuss out a minimum-wage clerk because someone bought the last of the Peeing Poopsie dolls. It's great to see so many people celebrating the birth of Christ with such compassion, joy and goodwill toward men.

I saw one lady actually hit a shopper over the head with a Grinch video for cutting in line.

I probably would have done the same, but all I had in my hand was a 2002 Cute Rabbit calendar from the Hallmark store.

I forgot what my New Year's Resolution was this year. It probably had something to do with chips and salsa. Next year I'm promising to cut back on the cussing. I should know better, but sometimes those #*&^%$$#ers just #*&%$# me off.

Anyway, I hope your holidays are joyous and that Santa brings you everything on your list. If not, take some stuff back and buy it yourself.

Jeff Ackerman is publisher and editor of the Nevada Appeal.