Letter: Husband, wife can share child-rearing

When I finished reading Bob Thomas' Sunday column about motherhood and careers, I gave it to my husband and children to read. They assured me that Mr. Thomas was not joking, and that I was not overreacting. So, I'm sitting at my computer to get this letter out to you before I head off to the office for a day of work (yes, on Sunday) while my husband deals with the kids, the dogs, the grocery shopping, and cooks dinner for family and friends. Next weekend, my husband will have to go into his office to finish a project, and I'll be doing the same things he is doing today. Only the dinner I cook won't be as good as his.

Like many other families, ours is one in which both parents work hard, the kids don't seem to work hard enough, and we all try our best to take care of each other. Sometimes it gets a little chaotic, but it's worked for almost 20 years. Our kids know that they can call either one of us in a panic to bring the book they forgot at school, and they don't have to feel guilty that either one of their parents are putting their dreams on hold for them.

Mr. Thomas dedicated his column "to the one or two young women in Carson City who might accidentally read it." I am confident that the young women of Carson City, and elsewhere, are perfectly capable of planning their lives without input from Mr. Thomas, or from me. But since he has weighed in on the subject, I will rise to the bait.

Mr. Thomas tells us of one daughter who is married and has a successful "public relations business in Houston with her husband." This "liberated" daughter is now suffering ill health because she cannot keep up with the demands of motherhood and her career. Mr. Thomas' concern for his daughter does not apparently extend to suggesting that her husband, who is her partner at work, become her partner in life, and share equally in the raising of their child and the running of their home. Perhaps it is the expectations of the men in her life, and not her own internal conflicts, that have caused this woman's suffering.

It is his other daughter, Lise, whom Mr. Thomas holds up to the young women of Carson City as a role model. This daughter "decided not to fight the battle between career and motherhood," has cut back her work, and will engage in "full-time home management until Sterling is through school, at which time Lise will enter law school ."

Lise, I respect your decision to stay home with your daughter, and there are times now that my daughter is leaving home to go off to school when I wish I had done the same. But don't believe your father when he tells you that at 45 to 48 years old you still will have "a solid 20 years to enjoy your new challenge. With your degree, most employment doors will be open to you. Employers prefer mature women who are past the child rearing stage."

I am 46, and have practiced law for almost 20 years. I hate to break it to you, Lise, but its not a profession you can expect to enter in your forties with any realistic hope of success. All those guys like your father, and women who didn't listen to guys like him, will have a 20-year jump on you. When you are starting out, you will be doing their grunt work and working 80 hours a week while they are heading off to their weekend cabins on Thursday afternoons. And that line about "employers preferring mature women" - it's a crock. People who make hiring decisions are normally in their late 40s. They know they are tempted now and then to sneak in a little nap after lunch. They know they had a lot more fire in their 20s and 30s. They know they would feel more comfortable exploiting someone who is younger than they are. And they know they're already thinking about their retirements.

To those one or two unfortunate young women in Carson City who may have accidentally read Mr. Thomas' pontifications: I suggest you cut the column out and put it in your wallet as another form of birth control. If you find someone you feel that spark for, take out the old tattered Thomas column and ask him to read it. If he isn't either outraged or amused, he's not a man to have children with. Not if he expects you to be the only one to feel "the chaos and guilt of balancing the needs of your children with an outside career" because he can't be bothered with "women's work."

If you want a career, and children too, wait for a man who understands he will be as responsible for the kids and the house as you are. If you do, you can both "have it all."

LAURA FITZSIMMONS

Las Vegas