Goodbye! Leave me alone!

"Buzz, Buzz Buzz!"

"Please leave message ..."

"Beep!"

Caller 1: "Hello. Hello? Is this Terri Harber? Please call regarding an urgent matter. We have something for you. Dial 1-800-555-5555 and please refer to account number 1234567890."

Caller 2: "Hello? Miss Harber, this is Mrs. Jones from Candy's Crappy Carpet Cleaning. I need to talk to you regarding your dirty rugs. Please call me at 1-800-765-4321."

Caller 3: "Hello. Hello! How ya doin'? This in Joe from the Keno Gazette-Journal. Hello? ... Oh, it's just another machine!"

All of these callers have two things in common: They are annoying and they need to be stopped. I use my answering machine to screen all calls that come in while I'm home. I seldom pick it up, even when I'm expecting an important call.

Why? Because some doofus might be trying to sell me something.

Hello?!

One time, some message in a foreign language went on for 15 minutes on my machine. It filled up my tape. It wasn't even a live message; it was pre-recorded. My Spanish went mostly unused after college so I wasn't sure what the idiot was saying. If the proverb "No por mucho madrugar amanece mas temprano," had been included I might have had a chance of understanding it. It means, "Not through much awakening early does the dawn come earlier."

Loosely speaking, "Patience is a virtue."

The only other phrase I remember, "Una boca cerrada no entran moscas," means "Flies don't enter a closed mouth."

Most telemarketers can flap their lips fast enough to keep the flies away from their silver tongues. The bugs wouldn't stand a chance.

By tone, the long Spanish message sounded like an exhaustive sales pitch for some religious books. It could have been that guy named Jesus who was constantly trying to make collect calls to my telephone number from the county jail. I erased the message and forgot about it.

When my next telephone bill arrived, however, there was a $25 charge for a collect call from a company with a Spanish name. Enraged, I refused to pay for it. The telephone company deducted the price of the call but couldn't explain why it went through.

Apparently, my machine and their machine agreed to take a long, collect call.

"The evil machines are speaking for us and even deciding who we'll pay to talk to?" I asked.

"We're sorry for your trouble, miss, but we just can't explain it," a phone company representative replied.

"Creepy and impressive, my machine is bilingual," I added.

El Diablo Machino went into the trash almost immediately. I was worried it would eventually fall in love with my blender and start buying it expensive trinkets with my credit card. I bought a better model machine and we've been happy together ever since.

During this legislative session, state lawmakers are considering bills to curb telemarketers. The Assembly last week approved AB232, a bill sponsored by Marcus Conklin, D-Las Vegas.

If passed, Nevadans could sign up to not be called by telemarketers. These phone barker companies would be required to purchase the don't-call list and not call anyone included on it.

"Do we believe that the consumer has a right to choose who shall call them, or do we believe that telemarketers have the right to choose who they shall call?" Conklin asked during debate over the bill, the Associated Press reported.

Assembly Minority Leader Lynn Hettrick, R-Gardnerville, tried to amend the bill by exempting firms that have done business in the past with the people being called, but this idea died.

Good thing. Especially if the business didn't provide good service in the first place and their employees keep pestering you to not abandon them. No wonder they didn't do the job right; they were spending so much darned time on the telephone!

In the Senate, SB255, sponsored by Randolph Townsend, R-Reno, would be much more extreme. He would only allow telemarketers to call numbers from a list of people who signed up to receive unsolicited calls.

Hee, hee, hee! Who would be silly enough to do that?

Public utilities, telecommunications companies and financial institutions would be exempt -- but the calls could only be made when they want to end a business relationship.

Unfortunately, the Senate Commerce and Labor subcommittee took no action on what could best be described as a "call list," the Associated Press also reported.

Neither of these ideas would stop all annoying calls, just the blabby, obnoxious telemarketers. Punks in the pokey with poor number-punching skills could still reach out and touch you, at least figuratively.

Oh well, "Si quieres el perro, acepta las pulgas." It means, "If you want the dog, accept the fleas."

Terry Harber works on the Nevada Appeal news desk.